It's all in the hands

We’ve all had bad dates in this past but this one is gold. A good friend of mine recently went on a date with a friend of a friend of a friend. At first she was a little unsure and rightly so. We, as her best mates, had all met said date before hand on a separate occasion. At the time we all agreed he was an arrogant prick and believed we’d left him in that basket.

Except for some reason in a moment of weakness, no doubt, my girlfriend accepted a date with him. Or as she put it, he was so tricky about it she hadn’t even realized she had accepted a date with him when before she knew it she was on it!

The date turned out to be a disaster and over coffee yesterday she relayed the story to me. It went a little something like this:

He picked her up (good start) and suggested they have a drink at a pub in Surry Hills before going to dinner. What he failed to mention however was that his intentions were to watch the rugby, not get to know her over a vino.

Whilst at the pub, her delightful* date bumped into some of his male friends. After introducing them to her they stood talking about the game for a moment before wishing them luck with the date, in which he politely responded with an outrageous hand gesture that suggested he was going to get lucky with my friend that night.

And this was it:


Clearly she was horrified! What the eff??! As they walked off she asked him what that was about. His answer ‘oh I was just joking with my mates, you know”. Umm yeah you’re a tool matey.

They made their way to the restaurant for her to discover he hadn’t made a booking resulting in an hour long wait for a table, this meant more time to get to know each other (like she needed more time).

The date really wasn’t going well and he was just as arrogant as she remembered. Topics covered were: His disbelief in ‘the one’, that love isn’t real and statistically relationships don’t work so why bother getting married.


Clearly this man didn’t see my friend as a potential partner but an easy lay. He then proceeded to talk about one of the more embarrassing moments in my friends life where she had a massive fight with her then boyfriend, got smashed and decided to throw herself out there a bit at a party. We’ve all done it but really you’re bringing this up on a date!?!? Way to go buddy!

Evidently bristled by this she asks him not to mention this again as it’s not something she tends to do and was not her proudest moment. With this he gets annoyed that her mood has changed and leaves an uncomfortable silence at the table.

After ordering the most expensive thing she could find on the menu, fumbling through awkward silences and praying for time to go faster they finally finish dinner. He pays (again looks like he might have some manners at last) but no, wrong! He actually said this as he paid:

“This better get me a blowie”

OMG!!! This level of douchbag should be castrated at birth. WHAT A COCK!!!

In the cab ride home she sat as far away as possible from him just in case douchbag is something that rubs off and when he asked if she wanted to go for another drink (this man has no effing idea really!? Are you serious!?) she replied NO I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.

Honestly. I was actually speechless. I’ve had one date in my life where the guy used the old ‘blow job’ line at payment time. I left him in the restaurant. HOW RUDE!

*absolutely not delightful.

Internet fating

So on the advice of my very good girlfriend I have signed up to RSVP again. Previous experience on RSVP has been largely unsuccessful, there are plenty of previous posts on this when I started this blog. Like the time I went to the Easter Show on a second RSVP date with a man and his kids. DISASTER!

Anyway said friend has been coaching me through this second foray into Internet dating as understandably I'm not convinced it's generally a successful format for me.

We discuss at length how I should write my profile and what type of pictures I should put up. The general consensus is that I should aim for INNOCENT and less OI OI ERE's ME TITS.

Naturally of course the idea is to find a potential partner not someone to have a good old bonk fest with. I mean, I don't think it's hard to find a Mr Right now tonight. The average male is pretty much always up for it so anyone who says they can't get it in this city is blatantly lying. It's finding the man who wants to stick around that is generally the problem.

RSVP is no different to the wild world of bar life to be honest. There are the guys who are clearly on their for sex and there are those who are clearly social deviants and should be avoided at all costs. Much like out in the bar. If you see a guy who looks like a potential paedo then chances are that guy is on RSVP possibly lying about himself in his profile with a shot taken in the days where he looked a lot less paedo and only slightly creepy. The thing is even if you do choose a slightly less peado shot it's RSVP and WE KNOW you're creepy. It's screams out so loud from your profile it becomes a ick fest just to delete the kiss you sent to get you off my screen. EEK!

Then there are the out and out douche bags. You know the one, he generally has some black and white shirtless profile shot with him attempting to look like he was once in a boy band. This is closely followed up with a shot of him on his bike, in his sports car and doing some extreme sports. If you're really lucky he will also have a shot of him with a cute puppy. Bleuuurrgghh. His profile headline will be some cheesy attempt at hiding his blatant reason for being on there which is for the most part sex. Then his write up with have the inevitable bullshit about how he likes to 'cook up a storm' in the kitchen and how he has 'travelled a fair bit'. Then he will talk about what a gent he is and how he likes walks on the beach and the clincher being that his favourite film is 'The Shawshank Redemption". This man lacks imagination and will likely be a dud in bed. His hope is that YOU send HIM a kiss because he is FAR too stingy to pay for a stamp to send YOU and email. Why would he, he's too pretty to pay right?! This man should be avoided.

DOUCHEBAG ALERT!!!

You may think I am being too picky but after much discussion about what to do and what not to do on RSVP my friend and I are in agreement that you can be as picky as you like on RSVP after all it's really a chance to ask for everything you look for in the perfect man. Whether that be his height, his hair colour, or where he lives. When you've got past the surface stuff you really need to look for some comedy in the profile read. One of my favourite guys on there has his headline as "I have a beard, this makes me a man" GOLD! I love it, I want him to send me a kiss but alas he has not. I think that one of the rules my gf and I made up was we will never send a kiss EVER. We are to be chased on this site and that is that.

Thus far I have had the attention of every male on there in the 40-50 age group some guys who are clearly on the creepy side, a few hilarious douche bags and those with some promise. I've replied in the positive to all those with promise. I've only had one bite and I'm worried he's a bit boring. He's may just be reserved but I'm not getting much from him over email and he's not that forthcoming with organising to meet up. I've suggested it and supplied my number. I still await!

I am an RSVP failure by the looks of it. BOO!!! Maybe I am coming across as a lady version of douche bag. I didn't use cook up a storm I promise!

Birthday this weekend and I have a hot dress and a spray tan to parade. Let's see what the weekend brings!

Well this is awkward....

So recently I was on a worky lunch at a fabulous restaurant at wooloomooloo wharf. Friday lunches here are popular with the banking and advertising peeps so I knew quite a few people.

There I was socializing away when I see a guy I have been on a few dates with over the past few weeks, with…wait for it…one of my best girlfriends!

Talk about AWKWARD!!!!!

I was so flabbergasted that all I could do was scream out ‘Oh and how do you two know each other??!?!?!” in my best double bay voice.

Apparently they met at the football, something which I have recently gotten said girlfriend into as an untapped source of men. Hmm yeah I didn’t mean MY men love!

Interestingly enough they had both invited me to attend that same game separately with them so they were destined to meet as it were. I couldn’t make it because I already had commitments with the redbull stuff I was doing.

So off back to lunch with my worky peeps I went holding my head high whilst inwardly feeling really quite f*cked off. Not that I have much right to but a bruise to the ego is a bruise to the ego and this one was the type of bruise you get when you walk into the corner of the table. Short sharp and shocking.

This particular breed of male and I had had about 3 dates in total all of which were good dates and seemed promising but he never really seemed to follow it up so time between dates was quite lengthy. I did seem something was amiss but I put it down to perhaps he wasn’t that interested after all and I was merely a stopgap between other dates. Looks like I was right about that. Arrggghhhh how dare he use me when he gets bored!

What’s worse is that this guy is a tad on the creepy side. I met him at the polo in the park about a year ago and at the time he was relatively sleazy, I put it down to him having been on the champers all day and gave him another chance. But the sense of creepiness never really went away. In retrospect she did me a favour, at least now I know what he’s really like and what he really thinks of me.

At one point my friend went to the bathroom and he sidled over, as he does, to have a ‘chat’ – fook off seriously! In order to make him know how I felt about the entire episode I asked him if he would like my phone so he could call up my other girlfriends for a date. He didn’t like that. Whatevs TOSSER!!

on the other hand 22 is far too young

I met a guy or should I say boy at a well known establishment in the eastern suburbs of Sydney a couple of weeks ago.

There I was with my awesomely sexy girlfriend and my tip toparama self minding my own business chugging on the vino, when BOOM! this manchild rocks up to me.

Good lord this manboy was big. I mean an enormous human. I was concerned that perhaps he wasn't actually a human and maybe there had been some sort of break out from the gorilla enclosure at Taronga Zoo.

This particular brand of ape was quite popular with the ladies it would seem but he was only interested in talking to this foxy vixen.

Yeap I looked EXACTLY like this on the night. No wonder he wanted a piece of me! Look at me, I'm smoking!

Now, from my experience the size and general demeanour of this person told me that he was likely a footballer. At this point I'm not sure whether that be Union or League but he was big and I was guessing he'd be a prop or forward. If you are at all versed in either of those games you'll know what kind of human bean I am talking about.

He tried his very best to tell me he was a vet! hahahah like really HILARIOUS! As if. First of all manchild, I hate to point out the bleeding obvious but you look about 21 and the last time I looked vet school took a few years to finish, like SEVEN! Plus you have big fat sausage fingers that I doubt would have the dexterity required to perform veterinary tasks.

Like that time when Dr Chris Brown did surgery on a mouse, he was amazing, his dexterity is somewhat to be admired. Yeah that was awesome when he did that.....Ahhh....Dr Chris Brown..if only....

That's not a mouse, it's a baby wallaby, but you get my drift!

After a bit of coercing he finally admitted he does played football righto I say just my luck. I seem to be a footyboy magnet, not that I'm complaining but they're hardly poster boys for their respectful treatment of chicks or well anything really are they? Unlike this dude who is pure heaven.....

Ok so he seemed keen but I really had to point out the age gap, it was hanging there in the air like a giant plastic penis. I politely asked him his age pointing out that he really needed to let me know as I didn't want to appear obscene (read as 'cradle snatcher') I don't mind being a bit of a cougar, I mean I even wear jewellery to advertise the fact but this was getting ridiculous! What is it with young boys and their obsession with older chicks?!?
He truly couldn't believe my age and kept asking my girlfriend if it was true! Turns out he was 22 and yes, this is a little young even for me.
Don't get me wrong I don't look like the epitomy of a cougar. I don't look like this for instance:

But at 22 manchild was too young for me. I agreed to have a drink with him and off we went to the bar. I turned around to ask him something and POOF! He'd gone. Oh dear, how embarassment for me. Guess the age gap was an issue after all.

Or so I thought! I did end up giving him my number in this small daliance and he recently sent me a text saying "now look who's disappeared!' Well I never, let's see what he has to say then. After a bit of banter I demand he come and take me out for a coffee whilst I'm at work. I manage to totally embarass him going on and on about his size and saying stupid things like 'go on then, show us yer wingspan'! WTF?!?! Where did that even come from?! It's a great chat up line, try it sometime. FARK!!!!!

It was actually quite a fun little distraction from the nitty gritty of the ad world and he is terribly cute in a monkeyish kind of way. I wonder if he will call upon me for a coffee again?? I hope so. It's a massive ego boost that's for sure!!!!

42 is not the answer

ok I have a theory about men aged 42. They are full on psychopaths....
If you don't believe me refer back to a previous post 'Dates with Fatalities part 1' and now I have yet another story to share.

Bit of background:
Phil who makes my coffee for me every morning at Koko in Surry hills asks me one day if I am 'available'



...depends on who's asking. He tells me one of his customers has spied me and thinks I am hot. Very brash. Fair dues the guys giving it a crack so I may as well be game and go for it. After extracting some details about said man. I pass on my digits.

So blind date is an architect, 42, divorced got 2 kids. All good. I'm no spring chicken and I'm already thinking about what an amazing house we could have together......you know the type one where I can have a amazeballs parties for all my friends. We'd drink french champagne and take dips in the pool whilst the butler gets the caviar.



So we talk on the phone and he seems like a nice chappie. Very chatty. may have mentioned the divorce once and how hard it was on the kids, followed by an uncomfortable pause. I brush it off and we arrange to meet up for lunch. Which we did, today.

We went for thai at a local eatery to work, probably should have ventured further afield given the nature of the rendezvous but I didn't think about it early enough.
I arrive he's not bad looking, nicely dressed things are looking up for a wednesday. We order, he pays - it's one of those pay up front jobbies, all good, he's a gent we like that. So far so good. Until....he starts banging on about his divorce AGAIN.
Yeap that's right he tells me ALL about it. How hard it was on the kids, how he had an affair, how he had a break down, how he had to go see a psychologist, how his ex wife dealt with it blah blah blah.....all this over LUNCH!!!



yeah I was shocked! I didn't even have a wine in my hands. So ill prepared was I for this onslaught of Dr Phil over my lunch. WTF!??!!
Clearly this guy is not over wifey or what he did by having the affair. I tried to steer the conversation away from the disaster divorce but to no avail. He REALLY wanted to talk about it. He even told me I was free to ask any questions I like about it!

Er...no thanks I really don't give a shit matey.

He didn't bother to ask me anything about myself he was far too busy banging on about himself. I learnt alot about this man in the 1 hour I spent with him. Enough to know that it's probably not worth meeting up with him again. I ain't your substitute therapist and your baggage can stay well and truly in your own downstairs cupboard away from me thank you very much.

Finally managed to get him to shut up enough for me to say I have to get back to work and made my escape. Not without him asking me if I'd like to meet up again. I said I'll call you......

....I won't be.

Energy for a sausage fest

A couple of weeks ago I got invited to become a redbullMobile scout. This meant I get to go to redbull sponsored events all the while using the HTC Cha Cha mobile phone on the redbullMobile network.

CHA CHA

Loaded up with redbull apps including X fighters games as well as access to the redbull music academy and portal it is certainly impressive. However, being an avid iPhone user I am still confused more than life itself and I battle with the phone whilst the other scouts (there are 8 of us in total) seamlessly manage to connect to anything and everything in a matter of seconds. Not embarrassed much, technical retard over here.




I’ve always thought of myself as a panda, you know cute, cuddly maybe too much eye make-up….

Boating

The event itself is being held on cockatoo island not far from the mainland in Sydney harbour. We arrive at the ferry wharf at Star city casino and board an enormous boat decked out in redbull umbrellas and of course fridges of redbull just to get the crowd really wound up. We are in the 'friends of redbull' section, which is a mixture of corporate guests, sponsors, athletes, minor celebs, major celebs and us. I count us as minor celebs at this point, somewhere around F list I think. We are not celebs obviously but today WE ARE!

And just quietly this event is a veritable sausage fest I should definitely point this out for all the single ladies reading this update for future ref. Attend extreme sports events wherever possible!

Weiner Anyone?

Blokes everywhere! I had to text my lucky girlfriends whom I gave tickets too to be aware of this fact and suitably remove clothing that wasn’t absolutely necessary.

The Isolator

I managed to attract the attention of one of the redbull athletes. Nice bloke bit clingy though.

Apparently those who know him well call him The Isolator. I think that speaks for itself and I certainly experienced it. Once he got introduced to me at the VIP area he was very keen to get my number and ensure that we 'hung out' all day and at the after parties. He was certainly a cool dude and I didn't mind having someone to hang about with during the event but then it got a bit awkward after that. On the return boat journey I bumped into some footy boys, bondi lifegaurds from Bondi Rescue, X fighters riders and even Axle Whitehead from Home and Away. All of which seemed keen for me to hang with each of them. It was overwhelming and completely full on. This coupled with Jonny desperately trying to hold my hand the whole time. AWKWARD!

I panicked and made an escape dash to the hotel for a quick rest before embarking to The Sheaf in double bay for a beverage or 3 with my good friend Benny Smith.
Ahhh here he is, my secret love. I would like to marry Benny but he's really not having a bar of it. Shame, for I would make him a lovely wife......


As you can see Benny is totally smitten with me....

Later....

But back to 'The Isolator', I did go to the after party and as I walked in he was the first person I saw and yes he lived up to his nickname. I got isolated straight away to a corner. I felt terribly trapped and at one point made up some story about going to the bathroom. I didn't do a runner then but maybe I should have. In the end I told him I wasn't feeling well and needed to go home. After a tiring 10 minutes of telling him no he can't come back to my hotel I finally got in a cab.

I can't really complain as he is a nice guy and has been polite ever since. Sending texts to say he is thinking of me. But I can't help thinking that I missed out on a good opportunity to meet some other males, most of whom were out of towners so clearly not touched by any other sydney lady

Grass is always greener eh!?

Well aren't I just full of it? Promising updates and coming up with zilch.

One could take that to mean I have nothing to report but that's not been the case. Simply put...I've been lazy.

A quick update would reveal the following:

A number of young men have made their way across my path. When I say young I mean from 20-26 yrs old. I'm not one to discriminate about age but I do feel like a MASSIVE cougar even entertaining these men. So much so that I've taken to wearing a piece of jewellery which has a cougar head on it! It makes for a good talking point if anything else and allows me to really point out THAT I AM OLDER THAN THEM without actually saying it. I love a good prop.

The only man to show some promise soon revealed himself to be a creepy tool. At 31 I assumed he would have his sh*t together and on paper he does. Good looking, tall, dark curly hair, blue eyes, his is own business, successful, plays similar sports to me, has similar interests to me. Why then must he be totally creepy! WHY?!

I'll give you an example:

Calls me up after work and announces he is at home. He tells me this a few times. I'm not entirely sure what his point is. OK you're a home and...... I'm pretty sure the next bit would be 'I'd like you to come over so I can creep all over you' but perhaps not in those words. Given I had only been on one dinner date with this person and a casual drink I felt like the unsaid words were hanging in the air like a threat. He has previously invited himself over to my house when he's been out on the lash with his mates all day - this was after only 1 date. He also called me to ask me to record Underbelly Razor for him - this was after I bumped into him in the pub!

ODD?? Fuck yeah!