Monday, February 13, 2012

Stupid Cupid

So looks like Valentines day is upon us again. I must admit it crept up on me and mostly because I couldn't give a rats ass about it. It's just another day and having been through many singles years and crappy relationships where the excuse from said male is 'why be romantic on only one day of the year?" yes why when you can basically not be romantic at all throughout the rest of the year loser. That's why we are no longer together TOOL! It's a standard issue statement from most men I know so let's just be honest with ourselves ladies...


They hate everything about it. Without going in the historical or religious aspects to it, Hallmark basically own valentines day and are pretty much to blame for the entire hoo har that is has become. The thought of having to spend an extortionate amount of cold hard cash on a bunch of roses, box of chocolates or some shite set menu at an overcrowded restaurant makes them want to run a mile. Never mind having to actually make a statement of love via a card!

The hills where are the hills?!?

If anything is going to make a man run away it's having to admit he has this thing called FEELINGS to you the person he puts his penis inside on a regular basis.

Boys you do need to be aware that vally day is actually of some importance to a lot of us ladies and if you miss the opp to get your annual bj then it's your own fault for not knowing your partner very well. You don't have to go all out the main point is your missus just wants to feel wanted and loved and that in a nutshell means she wants a bit of your time. one on one, just the two of you.
That really is the secret to a successful VDay bang.

So let's look at some creative ways to make valentines day a romantic day without all the fuss:

  1. Cook her dinner, light some candles, play some sexy times music and woo the pants off her
  2. Run her a bath then give her a massage, candles her pretty much going to be standard across the board here so be prepared! Get in the bath with her if you can fit!
  3. If you live near the beach tell her your going to surprise her and then grab a blanky, a bottle of her favourite vino and sit on the beach with fish and chips watching the sunset. (take some tealights for extra romance if you like)
  4. Have a carpet picnic if you can't be arsed to go out - get some nice cheeses, wine and sit and talk for a while. Play scrabble or chess if you are so inclined.
  5. If you're really lazy then get a DVD of the sort of movie you would NEVER watch but she would love  and order food in. Don't forget the wine - wine is imperitive  for removal of pants.
  6. Make a chocolate fondue and buy strawberries and marshmallows to feed to each other
  7. Play strip poker with each other
  8. Give her a foot massage and ask her about her day over a glass of wine or a beer.
  9. Go for a walk along the beach *extreme cliche
  10. Say happy valentines day darling, give her a kiss, tell her you love and appreciate her and that you are looking forward to spending the night with her. She will melt!
Final tips turn off the phone and the TV and DO NOT play special ops computer game or whatever is the trend now. It's not going to get you any brownie points.

Just as a side note I once made a bikini out of bubble wrap for my boy on v day in the hope we could roll around and make popping noises. Yes I have some odd ideas. He loved it because it was original! So get thinking!
Cupid sends his regards....

Friday, January 13, 2012

SUP baby?!

This year I am about adventures and doing something different in order to open up the dating scene for 2012.
So, the other day I went Stand Up Paddleboarding or SUP as it’s known in the biz. The nearest SUP centre to me is the one in Rose Bay run by Oz SUP and the delightful David Bell or Belly as he is commonly referred to.

For those not in the know stand up paddleboarding is an all over body exercise favoured by such beauties as Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson and other such beachy babes we all wish we could be.

On this particular day there was a 3hr tour of the harbor which I tagged onto the end of. It’s best to choose a day with no wind so that the water is relatively flat and easy to paddle through. If you can get a picture perfect Sydney day like I did then it’s a total bonus because it is truly an amazing experience.

Belly takes you through the equipment and how to use the board at the start. It’s actually a lot easier than you think and we spent about 30 minutes getting used to the board, the paddle and the different techniques, you know the important ones like moving forward, turning and stopping!

After this Belly took us around the harbor towards point piper and beyond. We had to navigate the arrival of a ferry at Rose bay terminal which along with the waves generated by the ferry came a bit of a wind resulting in me being blown out towards the middle of the harbor. I’m not the strongest of people so I was in a slight panic at this point wondering if I would ever make it back. Belly wasn’t fazed though and he was right not to be. Once I put my back into it I was away again.

Paddle boarding is not hard per se but it does use muscles you may not have used for a while. It’s particularly good for core stability and since the tour was a solid 2.5 hours of actual paddling I can assure you I am feeling it today. But it’s totally worth it. There were a total of 5 people in our group. Most of whom had received the tour as a birthday gift.  The 3 hour morning tours cost $70 and run on Tuesday’s, Thursdays, Saturday and Sunday's.  This covers the initial lesson, the tour by bay expert Belly and coffee/breakfast half way through. I thoroughly enjoyed it. There was only 1 single man on the tour but I can only assume as it was a weekday that the weekend tours might be more full of prospective fellas! As it’s becoming more and more popular with the young folk and as it’s still tourist season it’s definitely an avenue to be explored.

In any case I have heard the oh so handsome Burgess brothers are frequenters to this particular paddle boarding establishment so you may bump into them if you go down! There’s enough of them to chose from after all! That's Sam, George and Luke above.

                                         Woah! You can't argue with that now can you! 

And not to miss the fella’s who read this out I hear Jesinta Campbell and Charlotte Dawson have been known to pop down so you never know who you might meet of an early morning!

Board hire is $25 per hour and group lessons start as low as $30. Grab some friends and get down there! Contact Belly on 0423 733 061 or go to for more details.

Just as a side note people generally don’t fall in as it’s quite easy to master. Unless of course you are me and lose concentration looking at all the fab houses wondering whose they are. Then you might fall in spectacularly in front of the ferry terminal and a lot of people like I may or may not have done…..yeah I’m a catch!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy new year!

Happy new year everyone! Here's to 2012 being a more positive year for love and dating for everyone!

Friday, December 16, 2011

The midnight kiss

A lot of fuss is made about the all important New Years Eve kiss, there are numerous movie scenes about it - When Harry Met Sally, About a boy, Mermaids, In search of a midnight kiss, A Kiss at Midnight, even Sex and the City have reiterated the point and now there's even an entire movie around it! I mean really? Is that necessary?

How many of you can honestly tell me you give a toss about it?  I would bet most people don't. Why wait for the clock to strike 12 to make your all important first move? The anticipation would be torture never mind the stress levels. Which would likely end up with you pashing someones nose or chin instead of landing them with the romantic lip smacker you had planned in your head. AWKWARD!

Wikipedia says this about the NYE kiss:

"At midnight, couple embrace for a kiss to celebrate the new year and to set the tone for the new year. Some hold superstition that failing to kiss someone ensures a year of loneliness"

The thought that if, god forbid, you don't have that all important kiss then you will spend the rest of the year alone is rubbish.  Goddammit, get out there and pash someone, anyone!!
Complete poppycock (I really wanted to use that word today), seriously. It's a state of mind if you choose to spend the year alone. The whole tradition of the midnight kiss has far too much influence on what should be a night of fun and celebration with friends and family not about pashing someone. 

I personally think the pash at midnight is the domain of the young. People 30 plus are either married and probably not talking to their wives/husbands at the time or they're divorced and drunk in the corner lamenting the break down of their relationship. Cynical as that may sound let's face it if you think a midnight pash at the turn of the year is something to worry about then you're probably a bit self indulgent and you might want to be a re-evaluate how you think. As Richard Carlson told us "Don't sweat the small stuff".

However, so as not to sound like a complete grinch I have been told of at least one story whereby a couple got together on NYE and the midnight kiss was the first and the deal sealer so it can happen. They have now been together for 8 years and about to get married. But I'd say this is a rare occurrence and if you choose to life your life by this romantic notional bullshit then you need to take off the rose tinted glasses and give them a clean. You're living in la la land and the Vaseline on those lenses needs to come off.

With that in mind IF I did meet someone on NYE and we had our first kiss at midnight then you can bet your ass I'll be shouting it from the rooftops and boring you to death on here about it. 

The fact is you can pash whoever you like on NYE most people do so get out there and pash away. Bring it on I say!!

Happy Christmas everyone!! : )))

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Gym bunnies look out!

GIRLS!! It's come to my attention that we may be looking for men in all the wrong places! I was talking to some (married) guy friends of mine about how men and women approach dating and how we're all getting it a little bit wrong.

Interesting...given they are married and don't have to worry about these things anymore it was certainly worth picking their brains to get their perspective on this.

What I found out was that men hang out in bars and sporting events, we know this they do this for fun but really the domain of the single man (the bar) is not really upping his ability to get more ladies. If you think about it most ladies of worth don't hang out in bars every weekend expecting to stumble across the one. Some girls do but they are usually blind by the end of the night and will go home with anything. Which really defeats the purpose of the game.

So, it turns out that single ladies go to things like cookery classes, pottery classes, dance classes and spin classes.

The last one puzzled me a bit as I would never approach or want to be approached in the gym by a potential romeo. This resulted in some heated discussion about singles in the gym. I personally don't think that single girls want to be approached in the gym. For a start they are likely sweating with no make up on and wearing tight lycra they would probably prefer their potential partner not to see them in just yet. The boys disagreed and thought that the gym is the PERFECT place for single men to meet their new special lady. Really? Why? Well the boys are pumping iron and feeling that they look like a boss doing so. Desirable to a lady because they are STRONG and look at me in my shorts, I'm SPORTY!

Fair enough, I'd never thought about it like that before. Perhaps us ladies should be more open to meeting guys in the gym.

So I went to Fitness first last night in for the first time in ages. I haven't entered a gym for a while as I have chosen to work with a personal trainer for the last year. On reflection it does seem that some ladies may have already cracked this code. I does appear it might be more of a social thing than I had realised. For example, there were two good looking young chicks on the machines next to me, who I can safely say weren't really working out. They were casually moving along but there wasn't any sweat breaking on those brows and frankly they were giving the room a constant sweep for potential manslaves.
I, on the other hand, was working out like a pro doing interval training sets and concentrating on the seconds passing. Sweat pouring off me and likely with a red face. Not attractive.

Ok so I've probably been missing a trick. The gym is FULL of boys and they love showing off! Get down to the gym girls and strutt your best lycra I say. Just don't overdo the slap!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Return of the...mangina

Oh dear! It seems my posting about Mr Mangina has reached the eyes of his good self and his colleagues. Whilst I never name names it does seem someone who knows him and his party trick has alerted him to the existence of my blog and asked him if it was him.
Clearly unimpressed by what I had to say about him he texted me and said this:

"I'll have you know that the rare and carefully staged mangina showings have brought great joy and laughter to their limited audiences. You're judging out if [sic] context ;)"

Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that a grown man tucking his tackle between his legs was one of the greatest achievements of comedy.

That wasn't really the point but thanks for letting me know that your mangina is one of your proudest moments in life.

Christ help us all!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The game

So you'll remember from my last post that I went to dinner with a mystery texter whose name I had forgotten on Saturday night.

It didn't start well, he was 40 minutes late to pick me up only marginally redeeming himself by texting me that he was leaving shortly when he was already 20 minutes past the time of proposed pick up.

By the time he actually picked me up 20 minutes after that I was about to text HIM and tell him where to shove it. But I was somewhat intrigued about this mystery date and felt I would have to go on it just to put this whole saga to bed.

So he arrives in a beamer (which he borrowed from his Dad - yes he still lives at home) and as I approach with a huge amount of trepidation and holding my breath I am relieved to find he's not bad at all and I do in fact remember meeting him. That's the first hurdle over anyway!

As we drive along and chat it's obvious that he's either a really bad driver or a bit nervous because he pretty much nearly crashed about 5 times and almost ran pedestrians over on 2 separate occasions, all this on the way to dinner! I was on the edge of my seat thinking if I even make it to dinner without some sort of situation occurring it's going to be a miracle.

Thankfully we do make it to the venue of choice without a grievous chancing. I am very pleased about this since my nerves are all over the place and I really want to down a glass of wine. He chooses Speak Easy in Bondi, a nice relaxed wine bar which I have heard a lot about but never been too. The wine list is impressive as is the food. We order a couple of glasses my favourite french wine and then I ask what he fancied eating. To which he replies:

I am not really hungry so I won't order anything

WHAT? Didn't you ask me to dinner? Why did you do that if you had no intention of eating!

My reply:
Oh really? I thought we were having dinner?! Maybe we could grab a nibbly snacky thing?

Him: yes we could do that. Let's get the bruschetta.

Me: um (I don't want the bruschetta but I am so confused by what is going on I just agree) Ok

The wine arrives and we chat away. I babble on asking him about what he's been up to etc...the usual small talk. He then pulls out what I can only imagine to be his repertoire of 'things to say to girls on a date". The topics included:

You're very decorated is there a story behind all those bangles?

Me: wait what? Um (I got them from DIVA?) Well not really....(I proceed to make something up so as not to look rude) blah blah these are from bali...these are from a friend who makes jewellery for a living (what? where did that come from?!)

Other topics covered:
Older women know what they want
older women are more experienced and
older women don't need you to buy them dinner

Ok ok hang on a minute what was the last one??!! Aside from the fact that there is a lot of chat about the older woman what does he mean you don't need to buy me dinner!? I extract the age of this young buck (as he refers to himself - that says it all really) it's 26. I am a full 10 years older than him and frankly it's becoming more and more obvious that this fella's original 'root' message is really his only goal and the rest is just smoke and mirrors to ensure he gets what he wants.
Oh you really think I cannot see that kid?? REALLY?!

As 'dinner' if you can call it that, comes to an end he makes a big song and dance about paying...uh oh think we have been here before...damn straight you are you asked ME out after all. We then leave and he offers to drop me off at my next venue for the night.

On the journey to the party which is only in the next suburb he proceeds to try and pash me at every available red traffic light, this would be nice if he knew how to kiss. His version involved pretty much licking my face. GROSS!
In a repeat of the incoming journey he almost runs a bunch of pedestrians over on a crossing despite me pointing and shouting 'watch the people!'
I cannot wait for him to drop me off. When he does he gets out of the car for some more face licking and asks me to call him later.

Righteo might do I say. (that's not going to happen EVER)

Needless to say I get some messages later about going to his house and staying with him. But as I wasn't interested the first time then you can bet I am not interested this time. And if I wanted my face licked I'd get a labrador.