...reality is not as good as the dream after all

So the boy from 5 years ago called me two days ago. He got back last week and I was admittedly concerned that he might not call at all. Fearing his final holiday with the family had made him change his mind. This is not entirely untrue but I will get to that shortly.

Naturally I was quite excited. I had missed the call so found out it was him via a voice message he left. I called him back and had a chat. The date he had mentioned before his return still stood, I had to check and so all good so I thought.

I told him I was going to be out on the harbour on a friends boat the next day and would likely talk to him in the week. I get a text message around 6am asking me to let him know that if the harbour trip wasn't going to happen (weather was bad) to let him and know and he'll come and say 'hi'.

As it goes after telling him the boat was on and we'd keep it to Friday the boat trip gets called off due to technical issues. I then let him know that I am now free if he still wanted to catch up. Maybe I shouldn't have been so eager looking back.

Anyway he arrives via train, we arrange to meet on the main concourse. He is clearly there when I arrive as he sends me a message telling me to say 'hi'. I have bad eyesight so I told him that if he could see me then it would be a total freak out for me due to my crap eyes. He could and came over to me. We hugged - but he has changed. Not only physically but mentally.

Admittedly I have not spent a huge amount of time with this person and I really do not know him at all so for me to say the above statement is presumptious I realise. His shape has changed and he is not as fit, but he also seemed to have an attitude I never noticed before if it was there. Anyway we chat and hang out and go for lunch and laugh and it's all great to catch up with him. But I have this underlying feeling that I'm not that comfortable and that my excitement at seeing him is very one sided. Having been here before I am astute to the signs.

We go to my apartment and chat more and then I suggest a trip to the pub to drink beer. We have a lengthy conversation about where he is at and where I am at etc....

Basically without going into the entire conversation my feeling is that he will likely go back to the wife, that the relationship is not over as he had led me to believe and that he has A LOT to think about. Not only relationship wise but work wise, life wise, everything wise.

I told him that I know he has to deal with many many factors right now but that he needed to be aware that there is a lot at stake with a wife and kids and that I would not be prepared to be played. That I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, who is my own and not someone I have to share since I have been there before and it was a truly painful experience. He agreed but I do not know where this is left. He may also feel this is full on for a first meeting but it was him who brought this up when he decided to tell me he was going to divorce his wife and that he wanted to see me. The words 'no pressure' came out of his mouth at the time. During drinks he also made me feel embarrassed and stupid about that last time he was in my life. What I did learn was that too was a situation where I had not been given the full information and his take on it was different to mine. This is alarming since it's looking rather like a pattern in my life.

I walked him back to the station as he said he needed to get back due to an early start with a mate and that he would call about Friday.

I walked away feeling more lonely than I have felt in a long long time. With shame and rejection filling my heart and head. I did not handle it well and I don't think he will call on Friday. Not at all. I won't be calling him because I won't chase rainbows and make a fool of myself. I certainly don't feel as good as I should from this if it was right I would feel good. I don't, so I think that speaks for itself......