Still stewing

So it's taken me a long time to get over last weeks comment from the 'ahole' I used to date. In fact, that's a lie, I'm not over it. I'm not sure I will be. It cut pretty deep. But why am I still feeling like this?

I have to be upfront and say that I still had a soft spot for the 'ahole' up until that point and therefore his scathing comment cut a lot deeper than maybe he thought it might, I'm also wondering to myself if what he said is a reflection of the kind of girl I am.

Am I just a girl that you f*ck?

I'd like to think not but this situation got me thinking and I have had a past history of men who seem to treat me in this way. My last serious relationship is something I now view as me being someone that guy f*cked for 4 years before the next thing he was going to fuck came along. Which is did, in the form of many lovers during our time together that I never knew about until his final affair which was significant enough for him to marry after I told him where to go. That didn't feel too good I have to say. Since then there have been a stream of men who basically when I look back on it have really not spent any time at all getting to know me and have had their fun and gone when they have found the next bit of fluff that takes their fancy.

So, this means I am either not worth getting to know or I am giving it up a bit too easily. I'm going to go with the last one since I already know I am worth getting to know and most of these men wouldn't know a good thing if it came and slapped them in the face, which it did, in the form of me.

Still, his comment cut deeply and I suspect he did know I was still a bit soft on him and he was giving me a very strong and clear message that it's not reciprocated. Not that I spent a lot time chasing this person just made a point of saying hello if I saw him, which in the past 6 months has been about twice. Not sure he really needed to make the message that full on. I'm still hurt and that's that really.

Didn't go out this weekend, need to get my confidence back up first and maybe stop thinking too hard about my apparent easiness. I'm not easy at all. In fact I like to make a point of getting the boys to chase me and definitely not the other way around. It is highlighting some thought provoking facts about myself that are coming to the surface though.