A date I can't forget

Today is the 22nd Anniversary of my brothers car accident.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it and him and how awful his life has turned out.

I also never stop thinking about how it has affected my parents ability to be totally free in their latter years and how it drove a huge wedge in our family between all of us as we dealt with our pain separately.

I wish it had never happened for his sakes and all of us. But it did and I have to live with it as I have for the past 22 years and will do for the rest of my life.

I have decided to stay in tonight and treat myself to a relaxing bath and a home cooked meal and appreciate all I have in my life. Like my health, my freedom, my friends, the ability to work, the ability to go to the beach and run and swim and love and decorate my house and basically do all the things my brother can't and never will be able to do.

A new direction

Lately I've had to have a rethink about all things in my life. Not just my approach to my dating life after the disaster of the 'ultimate insult' but also my working life.

I've recently taken on a new part time job not only to up my monetry situation but also my ability to meet more men.

Yes I have taken a position as waitress at the newest hippest spot in town and frankly I think my little plan may work!

Apparently you can suss out the opposite sex without looking like you are by simply paying attention to them as a waitress. The thing is the guys are so polite to you in a way I have never experienced before it's almost refreshing! Let's face it, most of the guys in this city are a bit up themselves and given that there are a huge amount of HOT women vying for their attention they kind of get away with it. Which is annoying as I still believe in chivalry to some extent and so often find myself disappointed by their behaviour.

However, it has been interesting to see the huge difference between the way men and women interact when it comes to meeting on equal gournd - ie. two people meeting in a bar both drinking, both likely to be reasonably high flyers and a little bit uber too cool for each other. The interaction is a little guarded to the point of rudeness and the attitude is the girls play hard to get until the guys move on and then it's all on for the cat fights in the bathrooms for said man the girl had pretended to dismiss. It's far to complicated for me. The boys seems to like the attention of the chicks having a biff over them and well why not! We all like to feel like we are super important to everyone in the world so this kind of slappy slappy between the girls just boosts their already inflated ego's.

So meeting the guys in a different arena whereby they want good service and are paying for it and I am obliged to be polite and give good service for food and entertainment has meant that I can interact with them on a level more comfortable for me. I am enjoying this means of conversing and it allows me to flirt outrageously with them with NO competition from other catty females in the process!

Thus far I have done two shifts and have seen a lot of people I know and some I have previously tried to flirt with in the past only to be overlooked by younger, hotter versions. This time, however, it appears my new waitress status is somewhat more attractive than the tarted up version of me.

A lot of the guys did not even recognise me and when they did they said "wow! Look at you! you look really cute and like a 25 year old! I had no idea that was you". Yes this outfit and new job could definitely work out for me on the dating front. Especially if I get that kind of reaction from my friends! I can only imagine what the other potential males might be thinking. Let's hope for the most part it is relatively nice! Clearly I will come across some unscrupulous arseholes, it's par for the course I would say. Let's pray those ones are few and far between.

I'm hoping to at least get some numbers and offers of dates from some eligible bachelors....I'll keep you posted on my progress.....!!

Still stewing

So it's taken me a long time to get over last weeks comment from the 'ahole' I used to date. In fact, that's a lie, I'm not over it. I'm not sure I will be. It cut pretty deep. But why am I still feeling like this?

I have to be upfront and say that I still had a soft spot for the 'ahole' up until that point and therefore his scathing comment cut a lot deeper than maybe he thought it might, I'm also wondering to myself if what he said is a reflection of the kind of girl I am.

Am I just a girl that you f*ck?

I'd like to think not but this situation got me thinking and I have had a past history of men who seem to treat me in this way. My last serious relationship is something I now view as me being someone that guy f*cked for 4 years before the next thing he was going to fuck came along. Which is did, in the form of many lovers during our time together that I never knew about until his final affair which was significant enough for him to marry after I told him where to go. That didn't feel too good I have to say. Since then there have been a stream of men who basically when I look back on it have really not spent any time at all getting to know me and have had their fun and gone when they have found the next bit of fluff that takes their fancy.

So, this means I am either not worth getting to know or I am giving it up a bit too easily. I'm going to go with the last one since I already know I am worth getting to know and most of these men wouldn't know a good thing if it came and slapped them in the face, which it did, in the form of me.

Still, his comment cut deeply and I suspect he did know I was still a bit soft on him and he was giving me a very strong and clear message that it's not reciprocated. Not that I spent a lot time chasing this person just made a point of saying hello if I saw him, which in the past 6 months has been about twice. Not sure he really needed to make the message that full on. I'm still hurt and that's that really.

Didn't go out this weekend, need to get my confidence back up first and maybe stop thinking too hard about my apparent easiness. I'm not easy at all. In fact I like to make a point of getting the boys to chase me and definitely not the other way around. It is highlighting some thought provoking facts about myself that are coming to the surface though.

The ultimate insult

I've been too busy lately to date or even pay much attention to the opposite sex but my most recent night out on Saturday just about delivered a corker of an insult from them.

I bumped into an old flame, someone I briefly had fun with end of last year. Having not seen this person for a while I said hello and made pleasantries etc...as you do. A girl standing next to him asked him how we knew each other and this was his reply:

"I used to fuck her"

And then he turned around and started talking to another girl...

Frankly I was mortified. The girl who has originally asked the question was as gobsmacked as I and then asked me if that was true. I stumbled through a few words where I said somethig along the lines of '...well, kind of, we were hanging out and yes that was pretty much the long and short of it but not sure it was necessary to be a blunt as that...'

She was horrified and said 'how rude of him' and walked off. So I really was left hanging like a plum.

I had to go and gather myself in the bathroom and compose some kind of response. Which I did. I went back out and saw said nob jockey and said:

"A word please young man'

Uh oh I am in trouble, he says

Yes you are, how dare you introduce me to somebody I don't know as 'somebody you used to fuck', it is rude and disrespectful and I am better than that."

Yes you are and I'm sorry, he says

Don't you ever do that again you rude little man.

Having held it together to tell the little prick off I hailed a cab and the tears started to roll down my face. By the time I managed to get into my house I was roaring crying destroyed by the hurtful comment and the bare faced rudeness of it.

Does this person think so lowly of me to say that really? Do they? I'm not even sure why he would think that.

The base facts are that I met him at my birthday party last year. He pursued me throughout the night and eventually I gave in. We saw each other a few times over the next 2-3 months before he left for some month long trip around Australia. I knew that when that trip started it was the end of what we had had in terms of the relationship. He didn't make any contact and whilst it was christmas and new year whilst he was away I did send a couple of messages to wish him the seasonal wishes as appropriate. He didn't reciprocate of course.

When he got back he barely managed to say hello when I saw him except I did randomly bump into him around Australia day in which there was clearly still some attraction there. He again pursued me all night despite me barring him after his lack of ability to communicate with me whilst he had been away. I told him I thought he was a bit of a prick back then to!

Anyway so I'm not quite sure why this guy feels the need to be so rude to me. The male friends I have spoken to about this seem to think I might have hurt HIS feelings somewhere along the lines. I can't even think where that point may have been since he didn't seem that interested in me in the first place.

Maybe he has some emotional issues? He seems to treat women quite poorly from what I have seen and likes to be the ultimate player, but perhaps he is not that happy and does this to get some kind of satisfaction out of being domineering over women.

Whatever it is I hope to never have to be subjected to that again and I certainly won't bother going out of my way to talk to him again.

I still feel quite hurt by what he said despite it not really being about me, it feels quite raw.

show us your special moves

I had a very blokey weekend last weekend. It started with an unexpected invite to the football (league) with my good friend B. It was his favourite team playing in an apparent important season clash with another local team.

All very exciting I must say. I had the opportunity to be a complete bogan and a total bloke! Loved it. The atmosphere was amazing, we had a mixture of fans in the group from both sides and there was plenty of match banter exchanged. I drank way to many wines thinking it was possible to keep up with the boys beer for beer or in my case beer for wine. YIKES!

The next day whilst recovering from the football fun and getting ready for my epic shoot that I'd been preparing for all week I get a message from another guy friend saying that he was down at Bondi and I should join them for a drink. Now, whilst I can definitely say no when needed this situation was different.

Said friend is someone whom I had been trying unsuccessfully to catch up with, either I had been away when he was in town or had missed his calls etc....anyway since it worked out that it was a) the afternoon when he called and b) it meant I could still get enough rest and have some fun before my 3 days of night shooting coming up, I felt I should go. Oh and he also happened to play for the team I had seen play and win the night before, so it felt rude not to continue the football themed weekend.

Now this guy is quite interesting, he's a musician and a footballer, has amazing tattoos adorning his quite spectacular arms and is well...really really hot.

I meet him and the boys for pleasant afternoon drinks which continues later on to another local haunt whereby we take over and own the jukebox and rock out for a few hours. Unfortunately I have to leave at midnight which was my own self proposed curfew time ....boo! I was having so much fun too. Not that there is anything there to talk about that's relevant to the point of my blog. He's hot and I would definitely go there but he is a mate and he has a girl. Game over and I'd rather keep him as a mate since hot men have hot friends right?!??!!?

Right? Well maybe one or two. Another friend of his and someone I know who also used to be a footballer was with us too. At one point in the night when clearly I had had enough beers to drop the inhibitions I found myself sniffing both guys (yes they both smelt amazing! FARKK!!!! enough to drive you man!) and inspecting their special V muscle - you know the one, the one that starts at the sides of the pelvis and points down to...... yes us girls love it and I was giving it a good go at the inspection process. Neither of them seemed to mind and frankly I had a good old touch up of both men. Such a dirty perve...I sometimes fear this kind of behaviour is verging on the cougar...!

Hope not! But I enjoyed it anyway and if you can get away with it then why not eh?!

Raffle winner and then some

So last week I attended my running clubs cocktail party to celebrate our momentous fundraising effort. A grand $22k! I won the first prize in the raffle too which was 2 nights accommodation for 2 in the snow, which would have been awesome had a nice partner to go with but as we all know I don't, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog!

Not wanting to be one of those people who hangs on to such items in the hope that Mr Right or even Mr Right now comes along and fancies it, I swapped it with the guy who won second prize which was a new pair of Asics trainers! Yes I needed new ones desperately and this was a much more practical a prize for me.

So, with my winning voucher for new shoes in hand I popped off into the the city to try my luck with the men of sydney. Might as well, I was on a winning streak after all!

Having already consumed quite a lot of free champagne at the fundraising event I arrived at a friends soiree in a reasonably posh wine bar in the city a little on the tiddly side. This however didn't seem to bother me as I polished off some more wine, spoke with various men in the balcony in an effort to entice smokes out of them (filthy habit and only done when on the wrong side of tipsy) and got free cocktails out of the bar man who has had a crush on me for about 5 years! He swapped cocktails for kisses. I see no problem with that whatsoever!

My friend and I then tipple off to another venue where I knew a rather hot man would be. This was the man I have previously referenced in the blog as hot with bad hair. Very bad hair!

He gets my friend and I in the club with no hassles form the people at the door, thankfully, I hate cues and I hate paying to get into anywhere.

He was looking smoking! Having cut his hair and recently come back from a trip to Europe, tanned and fit. I was all over him like a cheap safari suit. Nothing to do with the 10 million drinks I had consumed oh no!

He makes me drink some kind of shot and then it was time to go home apparently. Probably a good thing, my limbs had stopped responding to the commands of my brain. We go back to mine and well have some special cuddle time. I am probably a bit useless though as I am really quite outrageously drunk by now. What the hell was in that shot??! I have to blame someone other than me right??

He's got an amazing body and soft smooth skin...wow!

He leaves to go to work in the morning (so he says, I mean who's to know that is true?). Monster hangover all day prevents me from doing anything at all, I can't even lift my head to drink my coffee. YUCK!

A week later I still haven't heard from him, so I decided I'll send him a text message with a cheeky message, it went like this:

"Hi Stranger, what's with not contacting me, did you just use me?? :(("

I mean f*ck it! Why not!! He responds not long after with "I've been really busy all week, not ignoring you are you out tonight?"

Me: "not a good enough excuse! No I am not out tonight."

I've decided to take no prisoners or accept crap reasons from dickheads. About time I stood up for myself.

Yay to me!

Running into the exes

Just over a week ago I completed the City to Surf race which I have been training for in the past 10 weeks.

At the end of the race I joined my running group and immediately bumped into a guy I have had a huge crush on for ages.

Well, correction...I was seeing him at the end of last year, well...in the loosest sense of the term. Ok he was a fuck buddy. But a bloody good one at that and I was keen for more.

Unfortunately said FB went off on some trip for a month in a charity fundraising thing and from what I hear literally shagged his way around Australia.

Fair play but I was a little smitten and so it was a bit of a blow. I bumped into him a couple of times after that trip but it was all over and he had well and truly moved on at least about 10 more girls since then.

As is the norm when you have an unrequited love crush you play over and over the next time you might bump into said crush no doubt looking fabulous and amazing, hopefully having just won the lotto or sporting a body to die for...no biccies here thanks very much.

Not so, I bump into him red faced and sweaty having just run 14kms and wearing running tights. This is not what I had envisaged. We spoke and made polite conversation whilst I secretly perved and checked out his package imagining again what was beneath those shorts. Oh love crush why don't you crush me back???

The usual thing after the city to surf race is for the entirety of Bondi to go to the local pub, I asked FB if he was going to do the same but shock, horror he was breaking with tradition by going to a mates bbq instead and also breaking my heart at the same time. Well, only a little bit.

So off myself and my little running friend go (who incidentally runs into a recent ex on the way). This day is turning bizarre for exes making a comeback. We get down to the pub and stack up on beers and vodkas and yes both me and my friend bump into yet more exes.

I see the guy I ran away from on the dance floor last week. Highly embarrassing I have to say. Sydney is so small! I say hello and we have a polite chat but I am so mortified I have to just turn away from him as soon as is possible.

Later as I go to leave having consumed 8 beers and in dire need of a pizza I leave the pub to be asked by a man on a motorbike for directions and guess who it was???? LIBRARY BOY!!!!

Good lord this day is weird! He tells me he is going to see a friend and will call me later. Which of course he doesn't but hey I am sure I will see him soon. He keeps popping in and out of my life after all.