...reality is not as good as the dream after all

So the boy from 5 years ago called me two days ago. He got back last week and I was admittedly concerned that he might not call at all. Fearing his final holiday with the family had made him change his mind. This is not entirely untrue but I will get to that shortly.

Naturally I was quite excited. I had missed the call so found out it was him via a voice message he left. I called him back and had a chat. The date he had mentioned before his return still stood, I had to check and so all good so I thought.

I told him I was going to be out on the harbour on a friends boat the next day and would likely talk to him in the week. I get a text message around 6am asking me to let him know that if the harbour trip wasn't going to happen (weather was bad) to let him and know and he'll come and say 'hi'.

As it goes after telling him the boat was on and we'd keep it to Friday the boat trip gets called off due to technical issues. I then let him know that I am now free if he still wanted to catch up. Maybe I shouldn't have been so eager looking back.

Anyway he arrives via train, we arrange to meet on the main concourse. He is clearly there when I arrive as he sends me a message telling me to say 'hi'. I have bad eyesight so I told him that if he could see me then it would be a total freak out for me due to my crap eyes. He could and came over to me. We hugged - but he has changed. Not only physically but mentally.

Admittedly I have not spent a huge amount of time with this person and I really do not know him at all so for me to say the above statement is presumptious I realise. His shape has changed and he is not as fit, but he also seemed to have an attitude I never noticed before if it was there. Anyway we chat and hang out and go for lunch and laugh and it's all great to catch up with him. But I have this underlying feeling that I'm not that comfortable and that my excitement at seeing him is very one sided. Having been here before I am astute to the signs.

We go to my apartment and chat more and then I suggest a trip to the pub to drink beer. We have a lengthy conversation about where he is at and where I am at etc....

Basically without going into the entire conversation my feeling is that he will likely go back to the wife, that the relationship is not over as he had led me to believe and that he has A LOT to think about. Not only relationship wise but work wise, life wise, everything wise.

I told him that I know he has to deal with many many factors right now but that he needed to be aware that there is a lot at stake with a wife and kids and that I would not be prepared to be played. That I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, who is my own and not someone I have to share since I have been there before and it was a truly painful experience. He agreed but I do not know where this is left. He may also feel this is full on for a first meeting but it was him who brought this up when he decided to tell me he was going to divorce his wife and that he wanted to see me. The words 'no pressure' came out of his mouth at the time. During drinks he also made me feel embarrassed and stupid about that last time he was in my life. What I did learn was that too was a situation where I had not been given the full information and his take on it was different to mine. This is alarming since it's looking rather like a pattern in my life.

I walked him back to the station as he said he needed to get back due to an early start with a mate and that he would call about Friday.

I walked away feeling more lonely than I have felt in a long long time. With shame and rejection filling my heart and head. I did not handle it well and I don't think he will call on Friday. Not at all. I won't be calling him because I won't chase rainbows and make a fool of myself. I certainly don't feel as good as I should from this if it was right I would feel good. I don't, so I think that speaks for itself......

.....slowly slowly

So I get my call from Mr Lighting man or A after about a week. He's been pretty busy and I've been sunbathing and swimming so life is not all that bad!

He tells me he had moved into the place in the northern beaches he was housesitting for a month but had received a call from the owners saying they would have to come back early. How early though he did not know. His invite for the bbq still stood though but he would have to confirm the details of the early comeback from the owners and call back. This he promised would be the next day.

True to form like most boys, he didn't call the next day. He did however call last night to tell me that they in fact were already back and it had happened to quickly that he had to move out yesterday and is now back to couch surfing. Oh dear! Bang goes the bbq and pool swimming. He has got an application in for a rental in Palm beach though so fingers crossed this works out for him. I do prefer my men to have some kind of established abode before embarking on any kind of journey with them!

That said we have made arrangements to do lunch and a swim tomorrow as he and I both have the day off work. Well, to be honest work for me has been quite sporadic of late and I may as well declare I have taken 6 weeks of work given I have done very little in the past few weeks.

Let's see if he calls. He has a habit of saying he will call tomorrow, which I am detecting is not really what he means. More like in the next few days! It doesn't bother me in the slightest, the fact is he does call eventually as most of them do!

So far so....good??

I've been on one date this year. This is a good start. Went to the movies, perhaps not the best of first date choices since it involves looking at a screen and not really talking.

However, we did go to the pub first for a pre-show drink and managed to get some of the small talk out of the way there.

I met this guy A when I was working at the wine bar. He is a friend of a friend, always a good start. We ended up going out that night to a party and having quite a big night! I didn't hear from him until December when I was in NZ, to which we agreed to chat again when I got back.

He called and called and I ignored and ignored until he sent me a text asking me out. Bless, and I'd been such a bitch too. Well, I was severely hungover from new years eve and it took me almost a week to recover.

So back to the date, he decided we should get La Premiere tickets and drink wine and eat cheese. Yes yes yes! This is the kind of behaviour I like to see in my dates. Thoughtful and not afraid to impress me.

We laughed a lot in the film, about it and at each other.

At the end of the date he told me he is going to be house sitting for a friend in the Northern beaches - big house with pool etc....and that I should go up for a BBQ sometime. I told him that would be lovely. Small kiss on the cheek and half a hug and I was home in bed.

Got a text message the next night reiterating the previous invite and telling me he was watching inglorious basterds as recommended by yours truly. A few more texts about the film went on and then sleep.

Haven't heard from him since......not sure if this indicative of the kind of start I was after to my 2010 year of love! However, let's not get needy. Things will likely change! Men are so fickle...

New Year new love

So yes it's true I have been very out of touch on this for a couple of months. My only excuse is that I got really busy work wise at the end of last year and had to put dating on hold for a while.

Whilst I did go out and party there was no man action whatsoever and to be totally honest, I didn't mind at all. It wasn't that I was shoving them away with a stick or anything I just wanted to spend time with friends when I did have time.

Work was going gangbusters which was great and needed since the christmas break means no work and no pay for freelancers like myself.

Having said that there was some inkling of something going on in the background. I was on stalkbook one day just trawling around other peoples pages, as you do and came across a comment from a guy I had briefly met and fallen for 5 years ago. What was alarming was the way I felt when I saw his name. Which was exactly as I had felt when I first met him all those years ago. My heart almost jumped out of my chest and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I could hardly control myself. I knew I had to make some sort of contact with him given this was a chance to reconnect and to see where and what he had been doing.

After a few deep breaths I manage to arrange my thoughts to simply sending a short message to say hello, do you remember me and I would love to hear from you kind of thing. I sent it off with mild anticipation in the hope that he would write back but knowing that there is a high chance he won't write back at all.

I should probably give you a little bit of background about this guy at this point. He was playing for a local rugby league team when I met him. No surprises there. His team were watching the local rugby union boys play as at that particular time both codes were top of their respective tables. The league boys were at the end of the game quite inebriated and had started playing dragon races with their drinks. I was tut tutting at their childish and disrespectful behaviour in our clubhouse when I hear a voice to the side of me say: "so childish aren't they?" I spun around quite shocked at being busted doing a great impression of my mother, to see a rather large and good looking blond haired man smiling at me. Taken aback as I was by him catching me tutting at the boys I began to ramble on about how they should grow up and it was so typical of league boys to be like that blah blah.....when it suddenly occurred to me that he was probably one of them given his size and the fact I had never seen him at the club before. I promptly shut up and then quietly said...you're one of them aren't you? ...yes I am but don't hold that against me....MORTIFIED was what I was. Embarrassed to the hilt I started apologizing profusely. Luckily for me he was ok about it and said what I thought was for the most part true.

I have to say he was quite different from what I expected from a league player. He was intelligent for a start, he took me off into a corner (as boys do) and we chatted for ages about stuff, life, I can't even remember. I did feel conscious at one point I was keeping him from his friends but he assured me that he would much rather be talking to me.

I think I fell in love with him straight away. We became good friends - he was in a hiatus period with his girlfriend whom he had a child with and I was in a similar situation with the advertwat I was on and off with.

We spent many a night talking on the phone for hours. We met up a few times and when they played in the grand final he asked me to go and meet him with the boys for their end of year celebration - known as Mad Monday. We got pretty drunk and almost kissed in front of everyone. Big no no since his hiatus with the missus was likely one sided from him. She found out, when ballistic and I never heard from him again.

I found out only last year that she found out and had forbidden him to go on the end of year trip. Needless to say I felt a little bit shady about it when I sent my recent message.

So back to that, he did write back which again sent my heart rate sky high. It was a pleasant first contact along the lines of 'of course I remember you, how could I forget' and other information. The main one being that he has retired from football and is coming back to Sydney from London.

More emails exchanged and I give him my number to call me when he gets back so we can catch up. He calls straight away, we chat like old friends and we hadn't been apart. The magic was still there.

Just before I went away for christmas I get a text message from a number I don't recognise asking me if it is ok to call, but I've had a few pints. Who is this???!?!?! Intrigued I say sure go ahead. It is of course him, he's quite tiddly and proceeds to tell me that I have come into his life as he is at crossroads again like I did before. That he is planning to leave his partner and this has nothing to do with me and that he really wants to see me when he gets back. He talks to me for ages standing in the freezing cold outside the pub with no jacket on, fighting off other people who want his attention. I am shocked at this news. He does say that there's no pressure and if I don't feel anything then that is fine. I do but I'm not sure what it is.....

I've been thinking about it over and over. Christmas was filled with these thoughts. I got a message on Christmas eve to wish me a good time and that there will be no more contact until he has dealt with the wife situation and is back in the country. I still don't know what to think. He's back in the country in 9 days.........eek

Birthday Bonk

So yesterday was my birthday.

As far as birthdays go this was a good one. I spent the morning shopping for a new outfit for the night. I went a bit far and spent more than I had planned for but what I got should cover me for a few special occasions.

I then had my hair done and got ready to go out. I had expected that my date from Sunday would call but alas I heard nothing from him.

The night out with the girls was fantastic fun. I spoke to really no boys at all until later in the night when I bumped into a friend whom in all reality there has been a few years of sexual tension between us.

But naughty naughty us we ended up back at mine having more fun than we should have. Oh dear! This man is technically off limits. Ie. In a relationship. Not good. But it was a bit of fun and no harm done.

Got a text from the sunday date. What's with the texts? Can you not call me??! Arrgghh text messaging is the reason I have a low dating quota. I hate being asked out by text! HATE IT!!

To ask or not

I finally plucked up the courage to be bold and take the move to give my number to someone.

This happened at the bar I am working at. Over the years there have been many a time where I have seen guys I have liked and never done anything about it.

For example, I used to take the bus from Bondi to the city everyday a couple of years ago. A guy I thought was hot got on everyday and everyday I secretly perved on him hoping he might notice me. He didn't and after many conversations with the guys at work about possible dropping of my biz card in his hand, he stopped taking the bus and I never saw him again.

So this time I thought 'stuff it' I will go for it. Can't keep letting opportunities to pass me by.

A group of guys in their mid 30's rock into the bar and take a table in my section. All of them are reasonable in looks and they are extremely nice to me. They introduce themselves to me by name and take the time to ask me about myself. We converse and after a couple of drinks and some food they get up to leave. As the last guy leaves I pull him aside and ask him if he would give my number to one of his friends. He agrees and off he goes.

It's a risk since a number of things could happen here. He could not pass it on and keep it for himself. He could pass on it on and said guy throws it away. He could tell some total cock and bull story and really stitch me up.

I put it out there and now I have no control over what happens so I just have to trust the universe to do the right thing!

I finish up my shift and the place is still open so I go downstairs for a drink to wind down from the day. To my surprise the boys are still in the place. I walk by them and say hello again, they seem happy to chat away to me so I take a seat next to the boy who I tried to give my number to. Turns out his mate told him what I said but he didn't believe him and threw the number away! I told him it was fine it was just me taking a chance. He was very sweet and said that if it was genuine then he would take my number there and then.

He did, he sent a text to say it was nice to meet me etc...and then we arranged a date for the sunday. Nice work!

We speak on the saturday briefly to organise and then sunday comes. He picks me up and we go to Bondi for dinner. It was great. He was considerate, easy to talk to, fun and very sweet. He tells me he has an 8 year old daughter. Bit of a shock but then I am in the age range where I kind of have to expect some baggage will come with my mate.

He drops me off and we have a little goodbye kiss. I left with a good fdeeling. He sent me a text the next day to say he enjoyed the date and would I like to meet up again. I did so I told him I was only free on Tuesday. Cool, we agree Tuesday. I had to cancel though due to work commitments and tell him it's best for him to call me Friday and since Friday is my birthday he should do anyway!

So that's date one from my new working situation. This could be worth it after all!

Too busy to blog

Phew! Life has been a bit of a whirlwind of late. Since starting the waitressing job I've gotten really busy with all my other work. Which is great but I hardly have any time for myself anymore.

The success of my waitressing has not been that great. Frankly I have dropped too many drinks over boys to even have any success of getting a date. And any guy who does attempt to ask me out has thus far been too drunk to get the words out. Attractive!

So strike rate has been poor to be honest.

Had a hens party this weekend for a good friend of mine. Lots of drinking, lots of fun. No boys allowed! Except maybe the police but this time it wasn't for me. Or anyone in the group for that matter. We hijacked them purely for the purposes of pictures for the hen.

Closest I have come to matters of the opposite sex is over drunk men trying to kiss me and due to my turning away getting a good old smacker in the ear. Nice!

Let's hope things pick up soon. This is getting ridiculous. About to do something drastic with my looks I think. Something along the lines of hair colour.